I’m so excited for spring! It’s my favorite season.  I love springtime and these are some of the reasons why:

Oodles of sunshine.

Flowers poking their heads through the dirt.

Trees budding. Green grass. Fresh breezes. Longer days. Easter.

Baby ducks.

Blue skies. The air smells sweet. Going barefoot.

Dresses. Bright colors. Baby bunnies.

Nature re-awakening. Playing in the parks. Early sunrises.

Tulips and daffodils.

Spring cleaning. Chirping birds. Rhubarb. Mushroom hunting.

Spring peas.

Mild temperatures. Love. Planting a garden. Colored Easter eggs.

Chilly mornings and warm afternoons. Spring rains. Puddle jumping.  Rain Boots. Bicycle rides.Wheelbarrows.

Bees.

Farmer’s markets. Picnics. Baseball games. Ladybugs. May Day. Flying kites. Blowing bubbles. Wind chimes. Tea Parties.

Baby lambs.

Chasing butterflies. Hopscotch. Pedicures. Lilacs. Pussy willows. Open windows.

I’M SO GLAD YOU’RE HERE!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Every romantic relationship, at some point, demands some negotiations, compromise, and sacrifice.  It’s a slippery slope to not lose yourself by compromising too much. Losing yourself in a relationship is common and happens all too often. You wake up one day and say to yourself, I don’t know who I am anymore. You have negotiated away your personality, your beliefs, your dreams, your friends, and you have no idea who your real self is. All in the name of love.

Good news! It doesn’t have to be that way. You can be in a relationship AND be true to yourself. You can commit to another AND remain committed to yourself!

Usually, what we want from a relationship is to be loved, acknowledged, appreciated and supported by our partner, for who we are. All relationships start out just that way. In order for it to continue to grow, we need to continue to BE WHO WE ARE.

When you know who you are, and love yourself for who you are, you are happier and more capable of intimacy, love, and passion in your relationship. After doing lots of research, reading countless articles, and talking to numerous people, I have come up with some helpful suggestions on how to maintain your identity.

1. Solo time – Do your own thing. Have a hobby. Outside interests keep you unique and should be encouraged by both partners for both partners.
2. Maintain financial independence – You feel more secure when you have your own money and don’t need to rely on your partner financially. It also removes a weighty burden from them.
3. Stay connected with your friends and family –  You need your tribe. They will be the voice of reason and will continue to tell you when your pants make you look fat. Don’t push these peeps to the wayside.
4. Set up those boundaries – How much space do you need?  How often will you communicate?  How will you resolve arguments? What about sex?
5. Keep your logic thinking cap handy – Sometimes you need to step back and look at the relationship logically. You must listen to your heart and your head. Not so romantic, but really important!
6. ALWAYS BE YOU – You are perfectly imperfect. Do things in your own quirky, silly way. Like what you like, dislike what you dislike. Dream what you dare to dream. You are unique, and beautiful, and strong. Remind yourself of that every day!

REMEMBER THE PERSON WHO truly and genuinely loves you, will never want to change you or want you to be anyone else, but who you are.

 

I have a friend, let’s call her Stella, who recently started online dating; Stella also recently stopped online dating. We had no idea it could be so entertaining. Hmmmmmm, which site to use? There are so many, and while they are basically the same, there are some glaring differences. Her advice on this is, do your homework before signing up.

Stella decided not to use the site called “wannagetlaid.com”,  LOL!!!!! She settled on the ever-popular “Bucket O Fish” (names have been changed to protect the innocent).  After filling out her profile, she started browsing the single males. Users have the option of using their own name or using a “clever” undercover name.  The beginning line-up was, Kevin62, Hot4You, YouAreALuckyWoman2, LetsFindAWay, FreshOutOfTheOven, and IAmOneInAMillion. Seriously? Clearly, these guys used a website that helps men come up with “a username that works!” One site states women love talking about food…make her hungry for more. The same site also suggests the best usernames begin with letters A-M, because they show a fun-loving personality and…….wait for it…..they hint at intelligence or culture.  WHAT?????

The first message Stella received was from LovesToWorkOut, 62-year-old male from Santa Ana, California. California? Really? Are ya lookin’ for a pen pal? Talk about long-distance relationships. Pass.

Message #2 was from good ole Norm. “Hi there pretty lady!” Norm’s profile was something like this: I’m very controlling. I’ll give you what you need.                              Sorry Norm, not interested.

So, Aaron, aka FLYBOY, sent a nice message, and after some online chatting, Stella decided to meet him for a drink. Aaron is a retired airplane mechanic, divorced, very into himself. He showed her lots and lots and lots and lots of pictures of himself and airplane wings and himself and airplane engines and himself and airplane wheels and airplane engines and airplane propellers and himself standing next to airplane engines. As interesting as the pictures were, she desperately steered the conversation in a different direction.  He told her all about his many escapades with online dating. He told her about the lady who sent him various pictures of herself in various states of undress and how beautiful she was, how sweet, how nice. AND how she lied to him. It seems she had a birth defect; her right arm stopped at the elbow and it wasn’t obvious in the pictures. He said “HOW DARE SHE LIE TO ME LIKE THAT! By the way, I haven’t been completely honest with you, Stella. I’m not retired, I was fired from my job after coming to work drunk.  OK, so maybe I do have a drinking problem, I’ve been going to AA.”

“Uuummmmm Aaron, you’re an alcoholic and we are sitting in a bar drinking?” (and that’s only a little bit of what is wrong with this whole conversation). Bye-bye FLYBOY WHAT?????????????

And then there was Woody, yep, that’s right, Woody. Woody is Alabama born and raised. He is retired and 61 years old (he is really 71). They met at a popular breakfast restaurant for coffee. His first words to her were ” You are so cute”, as he squeezed her face and gave her a big kiss, right on the lips. WHOA, Woody, slow down there boy!

They agreed to meet for dinner later that evening. When they were seated, after the hour-long wait,  during which Woody talked to EVERYONE in the waiting area, he immediately asked the waiter to show him how to watch a football game on his phone. Alabama was playing!!!!!!!! YAY!!! Not much conversation but she did enjoy her dinner.

Stella knew it was time to say goodbye when Woody said: ” You are just so sweet, I want to take you to Alabama to meet Mama!” He also said something about her going home with him to meet “Shorty”, who had been ‘excited all to meet you all day’. WHAT?????????

So goes Stella’s attempt at online dating. She canceled her membership and is currently in the process of rekindling an old friendship. Good luck Stella. My heart is rooting for true love.

Did you make any New Year Resolutions? If so, do you keep them to yourself or tell others so they can help keep you accountable? I do a little of both.

I did some research and came up with this list of common resolutions:

1. eat healthier
2. exercise more
3. get a new job
4. lose weight
5. quit smoking
6. take better care of myself
7. learn something new
8. travel more
9. spend more time with family/friends
10. stop procrastinating

My list:

1. stop overthinking
2. be kind, always (to others and to myself)
3.  do something fun every day
4.  look for adventures
5. laugh more
6. love more
7. embrace my weirdness
8. quit worrying about what other people think of me
9. blog more : )

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

 

I saw this on facebook and thought it was so powerful. I feel compelled to share.

 

I have such a difficult time waking up during the winter. It’s cold and dark and I don’t want to get out of my warm, comfy bed. I’ve been trying some new ways of helping myself, help myself get up and get going. Here’s what I’ve come up with.

1. I put my alarm clock on the other side of the room so I have to get out of bed to turn it off. This doesn’t always work. I have been known to hit the snooze and crawl right back into bed. UGH
2. I turn a light on as soon as the alarm goes off. I’ve noticed that turning the light on before I get out of bed to turn off the alarm helps keep me from hitting the snooze and crawling back into bed. The bed is still warm and comfy, but who can go back to sleep with that annoying light shining in their face?
3. I drink a glass of water. I read that drinking water right when you wake up helps get your metabolism going, re-hydrates you, (I especially need this after getting up multiple times to pee during the night), and increases your alertness.
4. I take a deep breath. It’s a moment to pause, relax and choose to make today a good and happy day.
5. I try to give myself something to look forward to when I get up. A few minutes to have a cup of tea (Irani Tea is a great choice), maybe look out my living room window before the world gets crazy or read a chapter of my current book.

So there you have it.

What things do you do to help get yourself up on these cold winter mornings?

 

Lexie, Sydney (my daughters) and I are doing a 7 Day Mind Detox. No complaining or negativity is to escape your lips for 7 days. If you mess up, you have to start again. All three of us had to start over within the first hour.  So here we are, days later, and we are struggling to make it longer than 24 hours.

For this exercise, I am using the following definitions, from dictionary.com :

1.  Complaint –   an expression of discontent, regret, pain, censure, resentment, or faultfinding
2. Negativity –lacking in constructiveness, helpfulness, optimism, cooperativeness, or the like

 

Refusing to accept a situation and take responsibility for changing it, we lay the blame on others. After a while, it becomes a habit and that habit can become our life.

The average person complains approximately 30 times a day. When we complain, the feelings we get are passed on to anyone who is around and suddenly it becomes a race to see who can out-complain the others. It just so normal to bitch and moan. We seemingly like to sit around and one-up each other with how bad things are. Sometimes our complaining is a way to feel some comradery. “The weather is really awful today.” “I can’t believe how long the lines were at the supermarket.” It can also be an icebreaker for awkward moments.

What’s wrong with complaining? We listen to others complain and others listen to us complain. All this complaining is quite discouraging and unhealthy. It starts, keeps and reinforces our feelings of “I’m not good enough”, “what is my purpose”, and holds us prisoner as a victim. Healthwise, it raises our stress levels which raises our blood pressure. It can weaken our immune system, cause gastrointestinal problems, heart problems, headaches, and various other issues.

I challenge you to try this 7 day mind detox with us. I mean really try it. The goal of this exercise isn’t to see who can get to 7 days the quickest. It is to help us be more aware of our own negativity, the negativity of those around us and how all this negatively impacts our lives.

Leave a comment and let me know if you are going to try it. Later we can compare notes on how we’re doing, how we feel about it and share some ideas. Stay tuned.

I asked 100 people what their top 3 everyday stressors are.  The big ones…

1. Time
2. Family
3. Work
4. Appearance
5. Health
6. Taking care of the home
7. Living up to the expectations of others

Seriously, it’s not like we can “get rid of” the stress of anything on this list, but maybe we can learn to let go and be less stressed. Can we let go of what we have been expecting our lives to be and make the best of what really is?  Here are some strategies to try.

• Pay less attention to people’s judgments and don’t take things personally. No one has the right to judge you. When people judge it’s mostly about their own insecurities. They may think they know you but they aren’t living your life. They don’t know how you feel, or what you think or what you may be going through.  Forget about their judgments. LET IT GO. Focus on you.
• When you’re angry, shut up and breathe. Take a step back and just breathe. Deep, deep breaths, give yourself a moment (or two) to think. Why are you angry? Someone not behaving the way you want? Things aren’t going exactly as you planned? Try changing how you deal with the actions of others and focus on things you can change. (You…you can change you)
• Laugh. It’s much harder to be stressed when you are laughing. Try to find some humor in a stressful situation. It’s a mood booster and a stress reliever, and it just makes you feel better!!
• Forgive freely and sincerely. We all make mistakes. We all do dumb things, some that come with heavy consequences. Our mistakes don’t mean that we are horrible, not to be trusted, unforgivable people. Remember this and always keep it with you. Forgive with every little piece of your heart, let go of the stress and be grateful for the experience.
• Learn to say no. Be picky about what you agree to take on. Don’t allow yourself to give in to other’s expectations. If it’s going to stress you out…just say no.
• Canoodle. Yep, hugging, cuddling, kissing and sex are all proven stress relievers. I read something about releasing oxytocin and lowering cortisol, but who cares? Canoodle away your stress.

Life is a lesson. We have to work hard and accept that holding on to what we think is supposed to happen and how we think our life should be unfolding is what really stresses us out. Embrace this wild ride called life. Dare to show up every day, and to be yourself, your best self, with no expectations.

Gestalt Prayer

“I do my thing and you do your thing.
I’m not in this world to live up to your expectations
and you are not in this world to live up to mine.
You are you, and I am I,
and if by chance we find each other, it’s beautiful
if not, it can’t be helped.”

-Fritz Perls-

Stress is not what happens to us. It’s our response to what happens and response is something we can choose.  -Maureen Killoran-

 

     So here we are,

living our lives, looking at everyone else and thinking – Gosh, they certainly have it all together. (Alright, ‘gosh’ is the really mild version.)

We catch ourselves wondering how their lives can be so smooth and easy while ours is so difficult and messy.

When we stop and take a good look though, we realize everyone is dealing with some kind of stress and/or difficulties. It can be big things like work, kids, money, and family or it can be something as simple as running out of paper towels or misplacing our keys. Things do not always go as planned. Ups and downs are inescapable, and when the going gets rough most of us flip out and lose our shit.  Life is messy.

IT’S OKAY –   no need to panic – life is supposed to be messy. Some of the best things in life are messy.  Relationships, raising children (not to mention having children), food,  animals, the great outdoors, and all things related to adulting are some of the messy parts of life.

Are we failing at life because ours is messy? Nope.  We should embrace and experience the messiness with gusto. If we just get out there and live life, messy as it is,  think of how much we can grow and learn. Here’s to a wonderfully messy life.

 

 

 

 

When I have negative thoughts I tend to hold on to them, accept them as true. I sulk. I know I am sucking at life.  I get pissed off when someone is the voice of reason and tells me to suck it up, that things aren’t as bad as they seem, to let it go. I would rather cry and scream, hit something, stomp my feet, and have an “oh, woe is me” party. Would you like to join me? Probably not. You would rather call me out because you see me, a smart capable independent woman, wallowing in self-worthlessness instead of getting on with things and living up to my potential.

I totally get that. I know that frustration. I feel the same way when someone I know, who is smart, capable and independent, doesn’t want to listen to my advice and is letting their thoughts control them.

Yep, that’s right. We are letting our thoughts control us. We need to turn that around and realize that we are in control of our thoughts.

Consider this: The thought you are having right now is your thought and yours alone. We like to think that our thoughts affect those around us. The reality is, no one else even knows they exist. Everyone else is having their own thoughts.  Our thoughts aren’t real until we allow them to be by believing they are true and feeding into them. If we don’t pay attention to them or give them credence they just go away.

Thoughts are just that…thoughts. They show up and it’s totally up to us whether we hold on to them or let them go.