I have a friend, let’s call her Stella, who recently started online dating; Stella also recently stopped online dating. We had no idea it could be so entertaining. Hmmmmmm, which site to use? There are so many, and while they are basically the same, there are some glaring differences. Her advice on this is, do your homework before signing up.

Stella decided not to use the site called “wannagetlaid.com”,  LOL!!!!! She settled on the ever-popular “Bucket O Fish” (names have been changed to protect the innocent).  After filling out her profile, she started browsing the single males. Users have the option of using their own name or using a “clever” undercover name.  The beginning line-up was, Kevin62, Hot4You, YouAreALuckyWoman2, LetsFindAWay, FreshOutOfTheOven, and IAmOneInAMillion. Seriously? Clearly, these guys used a website that helps men come up with “a username that works!” One site states women love talking about food…make her hungry for more. The same site also suggests the best usernames begin with letters A-M, because they show a fun-loving personality and…….wait for it…..they hint at intelligence or culture.  WHAT?????

The first message Stella received was from LovesToWorkOut, 62-year-old male from Santa Ana, California. California? Really? Are ya lookin’ for a pen pal? Talk about long-distance relationships. Pass.

Message #2 was from good ole Norm. “Hi there pretty lady!” Norm’s profile was something like this: I’m very controlling. I’ll give you what you need.                              Sorry Norm, not interested.

So, Aaron, aka FLYBOY, sent a nice message, and after some online chatting, Stella decided to meet him for a drink. Aaron is a retired airplane mechanic, divorced, very into himself. He showed her lots and lots and lots and lots of pictures of himself and airplane wings and himself and airplane engines and himself and airplane wheels and airplane engines and airplane propellers and himself standing next to airplane engines. As interesting as the pictures were, she desperately steered the conversation in a different direction.  He told her all about his many escapades with online dating. He told her about the lady who sent him various pictures of herself in various states of undress and how beautiful she was, how sweet, how nice. AND how she lied to him. It seems she had a birth defect; her right arm stopped at the elbow and it wasn’t obvious in the pictures. He said “HOW DARE SHE LIE TO ME LIKE THAT! By the way, I haven’t been completely honest with you, Stella. I’m not retired, I was fired from my job after coming to work drunk.  OK, so maybe I do have a drinking problem, I’ve been going to AA.”

“Uuummmmm Aaron, you’re an alcoholic and we are sitting in a bar drinking?” (and that’s only a little bit of what is wrong with this whole conversation). Bye-bye FLYBOY WHAT?????????????

And then there was Woody, yep, that’s right, Woody. Woody is Alabama born and raised. He is retired and 61 years old (he is really 71). They met at a popular breakfast restaurant for coffee. His first words to her were ” You are so cute”, as he squeezed her face and gave her a big kiss, right on the lips. WHOA, Woody, slow down there boy!

They agreed to meet for dinner later that evening. When they were seated, after the hour-long wait,  during which Woody talked to EVERYONE in the waiting area, he immediately asked the waiter to show him how to watch a football game on his phone. Alabama was playing!!!!!!!! YAY!!! Not much conversation but she did enjoy her dinner.

Stella knew it was time to say goodbye when Woody said: ” You are just so sweet, I want to take you to Alabama to meet Mama!” He also said something about her going home with him to meet “Shorty”, who had been ‘excited all to meet you all day’. WHAT?????????

So goes Stella’s attempt at online dating. She canceled her membership and is currently in the process of rekindling an old friendship. Good luck Stella. My heart is rooting for true love.